I’ve never been one for New Years Resolutions. Mostly because I’ve never liked who I am. I never had a plan. My life had been mapped by someone else. I didn’t know who I was and I had no idea where I was going. A New Years Resolution means I need to look closely at who I am and, until recently, I did not like what I saw. I’m not talking physically, though heaven knows I didn’t like that part of me either. I’m talking about the type of person I wasn’t. It’s not that I didn’t like who I was, but I was so far from who I wished to be that facing my present self left me depressed.
These are some reflections I have on the past few years as well as some thoughts on where the new year will lead.
Now I’m better able to see who I am and who I want to be and those two people aren’t that far apart anymore. I still don’t know where this game of life leads, but I now know which path to take next.
I’ve been labeled all my life. I’ve been labeled by others, and I’ve either lived those labels, or fought those labels. But living or fighting someone else’s idea of who you are, never leaves time or energy to figure out who you want to be. I won’t say I completely know who I want to be or what I want to do. I’m still trying new things and learning more each day. But I’m so much closer to knowing myself and where my path leads than I’ve ever been before. It’s a pretty amazing feeling!
2017 saw me let go of old thoughts and things that held me down. I looked at my life and saw why I behaved certain ways and evaluated whether I truly felt those were valid (to me) thoughts and actions or if they were thoughts and actions left over from the times before. In 2017, as I cleared out thought patterns I no longer wanted, I also cleared out unnecessary stuff within my home.
The hard work I’ve been doing over the past couple years isn’t finished. I still have a lot of cleaning up to do, but the hardest part is finished. I’ve faced who I don’t want to be. Now is the year to build. I can build the person, home, life I want. I can use the faults on my heart and the scars on my mind to help me be a better wife, mother, friend, and advocate.
This year marks 3 years cancer free, 2 years since my last surgery. The years since diagnosis were hard years. Those years were about making it from one day to the next. They were about facing the problems in Ryan’s and my relationship. Taking hard looks at the people in our lives and the ones we wish were still here. Those years we tried new things and faced big picture obstacles one pixel at a time.
The year ahead won’t be the easy year I’d like, but it will be an amazing year. I’ve never been so excited for a new year as I am right now.