Cancer Made me Wean My Baby

First posted on FaceBook October 2014

 

Brom turned 14 months yesterday, I nursed him for the last time. It was a beautiful moment, and also deeply sad.

Today he has been absolutely distraught asking and asking to nurse. We have been here for him, offering him snuggles, love, his comfort songs, as well as water to drink. Obviously nothing is good enough.

His entire life every morning has basically been the same. He wakes up, we get him a fresh bum, and then we snuggle and nurse, tell each other stories, giggle, and kiss. And today that changed.

We have both been crying, all of this has been so much more difficult than I ever imagined it would be. Our plan was to nurse as long as he wanted, but plans changed. Today my baby needs me, today my baby wants me, Today I can’t help him. It wouldn’t be safe.

Today more than anything I want to lay in bed beside my sweet boy and nurse him. More than anything I want to hear his little song he sings as he nurses.

But life had other plans. Today my boy is 14 months and 1 day old and he cries for his mama and I barely have the strength to hold him, to comfort him. He has no clue what has happened to his world. He cries. I cry.

Yesterday I started chemotherapy for breast cancer. Today my milk and tears are toxic.

I ask each of you to take a moment when your baby wants to nurse, look down and treasure that moment. It will not last forever, no matter how long it seems now. I’ve been nursing a baby for over 7.5 years straight and today I wonder where the time went and how I could have ever wanted that time to pass.

Today I cry instead of nursing my baby.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s