The Loneliness of Fear

I’m feeling a little raw today. A little emotional. We’ll be back to our regularly scheduled positivity tomorrow. But today, I need to face this, let it out, and maybe figure out a solution of sorts.

I don’t know if it’s just me, or if other people experience this too, but I have very few friends. When I was young, I had one or two, and as I got older that number never changed. I’ve always been the person on the outside looking in.

I see so many people who have so many good friends. People they can call in an emergency. People they hang out with frequently. People to lift them up. Who laugh with them, who can get their own glass from the cupboard.

Recently I had a really emotional day and wanted, no, needed, to reach out and talk to someone. But I had no one to call. I sat on the floor and cried. Hard, body wracking sobs. With only children and animals to offer comfort, until Ryan was home.

There wasn’t a single person I could think of to talk to about my day.

As an adult, I’ve been told it’s because I’m too weird.

Funny thing. I don’t know what that means. Go figure.

 

I don’t know if people just don’t like me, or if people would be happy for my company if I asked. Few people ask for my company. I get the impression that most people just put up with me rather than actually want to be around me. And yes, I know there’s a few people who might read this who openly hate me.

The truth is, I’m lonely. So very, very lonely. Almost all the time. Many days I cry, just as I did when I was five, because I wish I had a friend. But I don’t want to be a bother. And even if I did, I don’t have your number anyhow.

If I’m honest though, I know I’m also picky. Sometimes people cross my path, and they’re too weird for me, often I don’t even know why. And maybe they sit at home thinking the same thoughts as me. A little voice tells me to just give them chance.

I recoil. I gave someone I didn’t like a chance before. I was left tattered, torn, and believing I was worthless because of it.

Sitting on the brink of that hole, I see how easy it is to fall in again. I like it up here, in the sun, I just wish there were more people here too.

I’ve spent most of my life protecting myself from the pain other people cause. So many times I open up to someone and they torment me, hurt me, and say it’s my fault. I’ve been told that so many times in my life. I wish I had more friends, but I don’t think I’m very good at it.

What if I call someone, and they don’t want to talk? What if I invite someone over, and they don’t want to come? What if I spend a ton of effort on someone, and they don’t care? What if I offer to be someone’s friend, and they say they’re just not interested? It’s safer and easier to be home alone, but the loneliness of fear is weighing on me and I think it’s time for a change.

 

8 Comments Add yours

  1. Wow! What a piece of honest, powerful writing. Please know you aren’t alone in feeling like that…I’ve felt like that for the last seven years. When I got married, I moved to a tiny community to be with my new husband. We’ve moved twice more in seven years and I haven’t really managed to make any close friends in any of the three places we’ve lived.

    I do have dear friends from college and my previous job, but they live in distant towns or states. There are days where my need to meet a friend for coffee to just talk and enjoy each other’s company is palpable. And it hurts knowing those kind of friends don’t exist for me here. After our first move, the loneliness was an actual, physical ache. I’ve gotten better at dealing with it, but sometimes it just hurts.

    Hang in there. I can’t give you answers but I do you you aren’t the only one that feels like that!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. mydisneyblog says:

    This was the most honest and meaningful thing I’ve read all day. You are not the only who feels this way.

    We are all caught up in our daily lives and even though we may seem connected (through social media or other modern technology) in reality for some of us, as you had said, you feel, in all reality, alone or lonely. My two “best” friends are doing their own things, busy with their own lives, we only get together one or two times a year and usually I’m the one who has to schedule it.

    What you said about not being sure if people even care about you or want to be around you, I feel like that too. If friends or family wanted to be around me – wouldn’t they try to see me at all? They go years without even a blink. Usually people don’t want to be around other people unless they need something, and that is why I usually avoid others.

    All I can say is to hang in there. You are doing good and you are trying, tomorrow will be better.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for the comment. It really helps to know I’m not really alone. 🙂 I’m happy my post connected with you in some way. I hope you find the connections you’re looking for soon!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Karen Langner says:

    I can’t say I’m the best type of friend. Sometimes I hermit too hard, and I don’t always say the right things… but I’m here of you ever need to talk or have a glass of wine with someone or both. I’m a pretty good listener ☺, and I know the pangs of loneliness…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I really appreciate you reaching out to me! ❤

      Like

  4. youmeanme says:

    I’m sure it doesn’t help knowing you’re not alone but I feel the same way. I only have a few close friends because I’m fairly particular of who I want in my life. Knowing that doesn’t help when I want s girl’s night in or to call and get another perspective.
    While positivity is important, don’t feel that by acknowledging pain and feeling it you are being negative.
    I wish I could give you a hug, have you over for a cup of tea and a chat. Since I can’t, I’ll offer the blogging alternative: to read and comment.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! The comment did help 🙂 it also takes away the sting of loneliness to know I’m not alone!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Lesley Latimer says:

    Call me anytime!

    Liked by 1 person

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